The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.
Behind the screen, behind the internet, I’m generally a bit of a depressive chap. I have been for many, many years. Going back to early childhood. I’ve not talked about it online before, and I’m not sure how much I will in the future. When I realise that I’m in a slump of depression, it’s like a weight on my back and around my neck. I imagine Superman with a cloak of Kryptonite. It’s shit. It’s really shit. I know how I want to feel, I want to feel happy, grateful, I want to laugh and feel loved, yet I can’t get there. It’s shit that I can’t. I can see myself wanting to be alone, retreating and wanting to hide from everything. That’s when I need motivation. This is new for me. I’ve found motivation to move forward. To take what my depression has to give and tell myself (out loud) over and over that I will make it out of this feeling. I’ve recently found motivation from a few very specific things I’ve read and heard. The first was the quote from the start of this post. I heard two things in this speech (from Rocky Balboa no less):
How my children are the world to me, and I’m there to help them get through the world and I have to be a strong model for them. Thanks to Julie (my wife), realising that this speech applies to me and my wife. Losing our daughter to stillbirth, we managed, somehow, to survive, and to stay strong.
The second I came across after Robin Williams on 11-August 2014 took his own life:
I’d never thought of it like that, but it does. I can be doing nothing, and a thought just pops into my head like: "...the reason you were hated at college was...". But if I tell myself "depression lies", I realise that thought is utter bullshit. I’ve no idea what motivates my brain to produce real thoughts like that, but if I tell myself, out loud, "depression lies", I’m able to take a breath and brush the nastiness off. I read about this first on Will Wheaton’s blog: depression lies and I found this post useful too. Finally, I watched Emma Watson’s address to the UN. It fired something up inside of me. Something that I identified with and believe in. I intend to show my son and daughter the video when they’re old enough to pay attention (currently 3 years and 5 months respectively, so they’re a way off). I can’t quite articulate what it is that makes me motivated to move forward in Watson's address, but I implore you watch the video. It's 13 minutes. Incredibly inspiring and something I think all young and old should watch, boys in particular.
For me, I need something to reach into my slump and lend it’s hand to pull me up. These three things are helping me do that for me right now. I love my family so much, and I want them to feel loved by me.
This post is first and foremost for me. When I feel shit again, I’ll find this post again, read it, and remember that I can stand tall, and say: depression lies. Fuck you, depression.