Five Arguments I Won't Be Having in 2016

Like those rock stars that announce one final tour after which they will stop playing all their old hits, I'm making a list of arguments I won't be having in 2016. If you want to get your last points in with me on these, better do so fast!

  1. "Pockets in women's clothing make me look fat!" If you are willing to trade your own convenience to comply with the questionable aesthetic judgments of people who are unable or unwilling to differentiate between the contents of your pockets and your actual body shape (neither of which, by the way, are any of their business) in order to make you feel bad, we are never going to agree on this topic. (However, if you want to talk with me about how we might best overthrow the Handbag-Industrial Complex and mandate minimum levels of functional pockets in all women's clothing, I'm all ears.)

  2. "You should be using [INSERT TECHNOLOGY X] here!" If you're not one of my technical advisors (and believe me, you know if you are), I'm not going to have this argument with you. I love hearing about new technology and will happily listen to you talk about what you're using, what you love and hate about it, what you didn't expect but found out the hard way about it, and so on! But if that techsposition starts veering into a hard sell, combined with a side of "all the cool kids are using it!" then I will change the topic to anything else, even sports (which should give you an idea of how much I don't want to have this argument). I choose technology based firstly on the availability of reliable libraries and clear tutorials, and then by how cheaply I can run it. Boring? I don't care. Go try to persuade the folks on HackerNews, they will argue with you all day!

  3. "Here are all the things that are wrong with the new Star Wars movie!" I haven't even seen the movie yet and I know I won't be participating in this argument in 2016. As long as the new movie has Princess Leia, charming robots, and space explosions in full-on technicolor glory, I don't care about anything else. Pass the popcorn! (Besides, JJ Abrams gave me a mechanical pencil once, and with that ensured my uncritical movie ticket purchases for life.)

  4. "Women just don't like technology!" Anyone stupid enough to make this argument exudes clouds of endumbening particulate matter that will contaminate everyone and everything in a ten-foot radius. Even short-term exposure can cause rage flashes, disbelieving stares, and nervous "did he just say that?" laughter. Vacate the area immediately and alert passersby to the danger. If you encounter this argument online, close any open tabs and/or block and mute the infected individual.

  5. "Donald Trump: Performance Art, Fascist, or Performing Fascist?" When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

And one meta-argument: I also won't be arguing about whether or not I should be arguing about these things. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I highly encourage you to make a list of things you won't be arguing about in 2016, too!

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